Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
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Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir