Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss