Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?