Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
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Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”