Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.