“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
this has done me in for some reason
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
this post was so formative to me
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
do horses think humans are hats
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats