Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.