“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Life cycle of cat
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
😲 WTF? 😆
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”