Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation