Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Blew my mind.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.