Why do so many horror movies take place at night? If I directed them, they’d be set at the scariest time imaginable: morning.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
