Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy