Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you