Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
do what now??
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive