Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
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i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Mmmm canned fish.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My dog learned how to text
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.