Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*