Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

Ok but actually

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

they really do be looking like this

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.