Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb