Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

The Struggle

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.