Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman