Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times