Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

ㅤ

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa