Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”