Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
You Might Also Like
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.