@TheFaldor

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

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@david8hughes

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

@TweetsByKaylee

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/  ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ

@PhriendlyCody

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

@SuperRandomish

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

@coolauntV

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook