My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
( • – •) /
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy
[30 mins later]
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook