Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office