Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
You Might Also Like
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
One of the best
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
A fake ID that makes you younger
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster