Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

👍

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.