Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
You Might Also Like
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Social Media and Real life
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.