Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !