Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.