Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

i wonder why they stopped looking

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

just having fun

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Close call…

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty