Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.