[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
You Might Also Like
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!