Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Me if I was a dog

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

584.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

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