Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

Whoops

paddle faster i hear baby shark