Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
You Might Also Like
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
True.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”