Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
The Sun’s probably Asian.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer