Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Risking my life for fun.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.