Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC