Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.