Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.