Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
🏙👨🏼
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
found my next D&D character name
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!