Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…