Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.