Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting