Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Just organising my finances.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀