Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
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5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”