Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

If you want my opinion ask my wife

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.