Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I think this cat is broken
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder