Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
You Might Also Like
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense