Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the middle of showering] I need a break

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

Me My dog

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk