Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”