Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?