Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
buys donuts instead
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?