Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
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Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
This kinda thing happens to me often
on da cob, we all corn
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.