Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

Just me and my debit card against the world

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Why do meteors always land in craters?

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.