why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.