why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.