why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
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Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I am, perchance
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda