@E_coli___

Why do they call it “Jew-ish”? Are they not Jew enough?

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@ArfMeasures

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

@iwearaonesie

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

@moose_chocolate

I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!

@SvnSxty

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

@shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

@LaziestCanine

[stuck on an island]
message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us
bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we’ll send help

@SCbchbum

Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

@squirrel74wkgn

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

@boyswearmugler

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

@4SLars

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.