@E_coli___

Why do they call it “Jew-ish”? Are they not Jew enough?

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@jazmasta

[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Dave no!”
“my est..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”

@Jake_Vig

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

@zgbetty

If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.

@tchrquotes

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

@AbbyHasIssues

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

@SteveMartinToGo

This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.

@osigat

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

@smithsara79

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?