[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”
Why do they call it “Jew-ish”? Are they not Jew enough?
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
No, he would not have.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?