Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Sorry I made promises on Friday
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
PLEASE READ
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
same energy
