Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

I can’t be the only one 😂

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes