Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?