Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip