Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
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Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Looking at you, Jesus.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea