Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?