Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do