Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
May have had one breakfast too many
