Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
You Might Also Like
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any