Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
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People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
We need more people like this.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??