Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
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Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
North and South
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.