Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
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Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]