Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.