Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Google Pay be like:

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.