Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad