Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?