Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
that wasn’t the question
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Peter Parker Peter Driver
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.