Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
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The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya