Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
You Might Also Like
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school